I have struggled with depression for a long time. It is something that reminds me I have unfinished business, and that I still carry wounds. Being a recent graduate from college, I have entered a confusing time in my life and my old “friend” depression has returned. Yet this time, I have more resources and knowledge about depression to move through it in a healthier way.

A few years ago, I struggled deeply with depression to the point where I ended up dropping out of school, quitting work, and only watching TV. While scrolling through the channels, I often saw commercials for The Midwest Center Attacking Anxiety and Depression Program, and one day, it finally hit me; I was struggling with anxiety and mild depression. So needless to say, I bought the program.

After completing the fifteen weeks of tapes, workbooks, and videos, I was able to look inwardly and become aware of my triggers and coping mechanisms, and most of all: realize I was not alone. I know now that depression is a state of blame. Usually the blame is inwardly focused, and sometimes in this state we bargain within ourselves whether it is our fault or someone else’s. Our self-statements sound like: I should have, I could have, what if, and if only. These are debilitating statements and cause a person to be at constant war within themselves.

This is the battle of learning the art of letting go. It is a fight because it is against our nature. We want stability; and let’s be honest we are scared of the unknown. As exciting as it can be, it is also just as scary. We can become comfortable in our misery because we know how to navigate our way through it.

We want to be seen and heard, yet we are afraid to be seen and heard. For most of us, no one taught us the “right” way to cope with our emotions, to manage life, or to trust. Depression encompasses fear, anxiety, and anger. It is hard to find a way out of it, especially when we do not know where to start.

I just earned my degree in Psychology from Vanguard University and I have learned a lot about behavior modification, counseling methods and theories, the history of psychology, and developmental stages. Those pieces of knowledge are valuable and helpful, but the one thing I have learned that has aided me the most is the perspective of: it is okay to NOT BE OKAY.

Again….it is OKAY to NOT be OKAY.

For me, knowing this has been the best place to start a deeper journey of facing my pain and dealing with depression beyond the labels. Labels help us understand emotions and it can be a relief to know that something has a name or a category; but at the same time, labels can be a safety net, excuse, or a judgment.

The word depression can cause a different reaction or feeling for ten people in the same room. Shame, embarrassment, relief, loneliness, sadness, and denial are just a few. It is important to understand that depression is just a word. The judgments or relief it can bring are reproductions of how we view ourselves in light of our journey with depression and how we have allowed others to affect our view of ourselves in pain.

Over the next few months, I will be writing a series of articles dealing with depression. In them I will share information about different levels of depression, resources, encouragement, brain psychology, causes, and my own personal experience. For now I want to encourage you to extend to yourself the grace and permission to not be okay. Life is hard and messy. Pretending that it is not only makes it harder.

Take yourself on a walk and talk with yourself, even talk out loud to yourself about how you feel. Give yourself a voice, if you feel no one else is hearing it, don’t miss out on yourself and the wonderful person you are. It is truly important to have compassion for yourself and your pain, so that you may heal. Let yourself cry. Face your biggest fear of vulnerability and see the beauty in falling apart. Embrace yourself and embrace vulnerability.

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