The often quoted “make new friends but keep the old” adage has proven a fundamental pillar in the unwritten rulebook of relationships. Though certainly easy to preach, the intentional practice of this mantra proves difficult in early adult life — throw in curveballs of time, distance, space and other inevitable situational factors and even the most effortless of friendships can become a part-time job.
As many do upon finishing school, I found myself transplanted 2,000 miles away from the state I had lived in for the entirety of my 21 years of life. I was terrified at moments, certainly, but ecstatic to start fresh — to realize a dream life come to fruition, a calling that was immeasurably compelling.
This meant rethinking the foundations of nearly every relational bond I had made up until that point. I journeyed solo, with high hopes to recreate the framework of the companionship I had grown accustomed to enjoying. In my haste and determination to find this mirroring community in my new home, juggling a full-time job alongside otherwise unfamiliar “adult” tasks, my time for old friends dwindled. Gone were the days of the conveniently social sorority lifestyle, phone calls on the walks to and from class, the sporadic day-long texting, the 10 minute evening drop-ins — the ritualized communication cadence that resulted in so much more than the sum of its parts.
I found myself forgetting to return calls and going days without thinking about my oldest, most cherished friends. I felt selfish, but I felt trapped. How is it possible to maintain these lifelong friendships when the energy it takes to efficiently build a new community consumes all of my free time? To me, it felt as though I was to either live within the confines of my iPhone screen in the days of ole, or temporarily adopt an “out of sight, out of mind” policy in favor of physical, more present companionship.
How is it possible to maintain these lifelong friendships when the energy it takes to efficiently build a new community consumes all of my free time?
Truthfully, I was avoiding loneliness. In that quest, I lost perspective of what I was working towards — I was not acting intentionally. Why did it have to be one or the other? As a devotee to the notion of balance, the hypocrisy of my approach to friendship at the time became imminently clear. My mistake was in thinking I could parlay the knowledge of how to proceed in these relationships based solely on what I had experienced up until that point. In reality, I was conquering new territory that required a new approach — I needed to use different tools in the toolbox. The tipping point was realizing that unfamiliar as those tools might be, I still had them in my arsenal.
This cognizant shift in what it meant to maintain old relationships while developing new ones now presented opportunity, rather than burden. I felt (and to this day, feel more than ever) so fortunate to have people in my life who know every version of myself, from the girl I was at age five to the woman I was five minutes ago. Like defined ticks in a timeline, I realized what a gift it was to have people rooted in life at different starting points — to grow together accordingly upon such unique building blocks. It proves for a truly multidimensional existence, and I believe I’m a stronger person because of it.
Like defined ticks in a timeline, I realized what a gift it was to have people rooted in life at different starting points…
I eventually became better acquainted with my car’s Bluetooth device, sent a few more Facebook messages and took a couple of overdue trips to visit the people that had proven to be pillars in my past life and in my present. It was sweet, and as I’m still growing in it, it proves to get even sweeter.
In short, maintaining those old relationships while flourishing in a new city require balance, balance, balance. We are all human, and thus, are collectively and constantly learning how to adapt, navigate and juggle our own realities. That’s a notion which your friends, both new and old, are bound to understand.
How do you balance long-distance friendships?
Image via Ellen Wildhagen