It’s about interest and delight. Not in yourself, and not simply in the other person. The secret is being interested in things. Delight is contagious, and if you take delight in almost anything you’ll already have a key ingredient to good conversation. Think back on great conversations you’ve had, whether with funny people or clever people or smart people or kind people, and you’ll realize that all of them consisted primarily of sharing information. Someone is telling you about their favorite music video, or the best breakfast place in Denver, or a secret hike to a waterfall, or their childhood. They delight in sharing, and being shared with. They want to know what interests you, what you think about something, what makes you come alive. These are the people I want to talk to. 

Now, we must delineate: what is the difference between that nightmare of a person who talks my ear off without even registering my utter disinterest, and the person who wonderfully engages me such that the world fades in light of their fascinating discourse? The difference seems to be in awareness. I would argue that 99% of the most annoying people you know are simply not self-aware. And because of it, they live their life in a confused stupor as to why everyone tries to escape their presence. So step 1 is to work on being self aware. Now don’t let this cripple you, turning you into a mess of insecurity and over analyzation. Just be aware that a conversation is about you being interesting and being interested in the other person.

It’s a dance. With two partners. 

Your interest and willingness to express your interests will often free the other person to express theirs. That is where the conversation takes off. Ask questions about taste, current events, fascinating facts (that’s a favorite of mine), and personal history. These things will open up a lot to delight in and discuss. And when you listen, actually listen. Everyone can tell when you are just waiting for your next turn to speak.

If you’re introverted and not one to talk, I’m telling you right now: be interested and speak. The private dialogues you have in your head are translated as disgust by everyone else’s insecurity. You’re probably already good at listening, so don’t be afraid to engage. Bring up something you find interesting. I know you have those things. Life is about pushing yourself and conquering your fears. Believing that you actually are interesting is a major step. But that belief must come first from faith, because chances are, you think you’re not. So have faith that you are, and move.

I know this is a lot, but break it down and next time you go to a wedding or party, practice. It’s about the tension between abandoning insecurity and being self-aware. The tension between listening and speaking, between interest and being interesting. Becoming comfortable in that balance is the key to good conversation.

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